Menace to Society

Naomi says that every time we meet to write, something appalling has happened in the world. And lately we’ve been meeting twice weekly, so at this rate we might bring about the apocalypse before we finish writing the play.  I’m not saying that’s definitely going to happen, but I’ve not renewed my monthly Netflix subscription, just in case.

Post-Brexit England, during a heatwave.

The tarmac is melting on sizzling hot pavements, ducks are staggering dazed and frazzled out of dried-up ponds, and my cats have taken up permanent residence in the freezer.  Every now and then a paw will reach out to pull in a food bowl. The heat saps all my reserves of energy - and I was never the most energetic of people at the best of times. I don’t go hiking, boxing, swimming, dancing, running, fencing, paragliding, canoeing, or trampolining.  But I do take the recycling out and amble up the rolling hills of Totterdown to look down at the city and think about why on earth vampires would ever be repelled by garlic.  Vampires are unholy supernatural creatures of unlimitless power.  Garlic is a root vegetable.  I don’t get the problem.

I’ve also been thinking about the process of writing stories, and the weird alchemy of co-writing.  The first story I can remember fully understanding the underlying construction was a Dennis the Menace and Gnasher comic strip from The Beano, back in the 70s or early 80s.  On his way to school, Dennis has lots of messy fun in muddy puddles, fields, etc.  His teacher gives him the cane (unthinkable these days but it was another era) for having mucky hands.  Bah, thinks Dennis.  Next day, on the way to school, Dennis keeps his clean hands in his pockets as he has fun in muddy puddles, fields, etc.  He shows his clean hands to his teacher… who gives him the cane for having mucky knees, feet, arms, face, etc.  You can’t win against the system, Dennis realises unhappily, as he takes his punishment. I saw the ending of the story coming as I was reading it, and I remember feeling pleased that I could see the ending, that I could understand the construction of the story.  I joined the Dennis the Menace and Gnasher Fan Club, and got the badges.  Then I tried to join Mensa, explaining how I was so smart I could understand the ending of a Dennis the Menace and Gnasher comic strip, but they were unimpressed.  Probably because they preferred The Dandy.

Over the years I’ve written many stories (most of them no better than Dennis the Menace) and the process always amazes me.  There is a joy to it, even and especially when it’s very hard work.  Sometimes the characters seem to have lives of their own, and do things you’d never expect.  Sometimes characters are manipulated into situations – they are subservient to the mechanics of the plot.  This is especially true of farce, which relies on choreographed confusions.  What’s delighting me is that the characters in this play seem to have lives of their own and do or say surprising things even though Naomi and I are carefully manipulating them into farcical situations that have been set up well in advance.  I think this is because these characters are feeling very real to me (and to Naomi).  The co-writing process is developing me as a writer.  I told Naomi that I’m basing certain character beats on the things Naomi has told me about herself (or I’ve been around to witness).  Naomi is (amongst other things) a stand-up comic who bases a lot of her material on autobiographical elements because Naomi is nuts and lots of nutty things happen to her  (possibly because while I was feeling clever about understanding how a Dennis the Menace and Gnasher story had been plotted, Naomi was out in the world hiking, boxing, swimming, dancing, running, fencing, paragliding, canoeing, and trampolining). And Naomi’s plays and sitcoms are populated with vibrant, funny, realistic characters that she has drawn from her life.  I told Naomi all this, how I was developing, how I was excited about the writing process and how I was learning from her. Though I left out the bit about Dennis the Menace.  I wondered what she would say about me in return. I waited to hear Naomi’s thoughts about how I was a positive influence on her writing development.  A tumbleweed drifted through the pub.  It’s hot out there.  Moving on, said Naomi, how do we get this mucky school teacher character to reveal they’re into corporal punishment?